KEITH THE CANDIDATE’S ROTHFUS’S BOEHNER BREAKFAST FUND-RAISER AT THE ALLEGHENY COUNTRY CLUB HAD THAT CLANDESTINE ATMOSPHERE OF A CRIME FAMILY SUMMIT, BUT THEIR FOOD IS BETTER. AT FIRST SIGHT, WE MISTOOK THE HEAVILY BRONZED SPEAKER FOR ONE OF CASINO JACK’S CASINO INDIANS. WE REALLY FELT SORRY FOR MR. BOEHNER WHO IS OBVIOUSLY BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY THE TEA PARTY. WE WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE RELEASED HIM FROM THE TEA PARTY’S GRIP BUT SATURDAY MORNING WAS NOT THE TIME. WE DID NOT SEE ANY OTHER JOURNALIST WHO WENT TO JOURNALISM SCHOOL LIKE SALENA ZITO, TIM McNULTY OR MR. PROSE COVERING THIS EVENT. TO OUR NOTABLY ABSENT FELLOW JOURNALISTS ALL WE CAN SAY IS YOU WERE THE LUCKY ONES. IF WE HAVE TO HEAR ANOTHER SPELLBINDER FROM FORMER FEMA OFFICIAL ROTHFUS ON HOW HE WANTS TO RELIGHT AMERICA, THEN WE ARE GOING TO PROJECTILE VOMIT, EVEN IF THIS GUT REACTION IS AGAINST COUNTRY CLUB RULES! THANK YOU SPEAKER CANTOR FOR ALLOWING US TO SEE FIRST-HAND THE ROTHFUS CRUSADE TO RETURN TO THE BELTWAY!

WE CITIZEN JOURNALISTS ARE SO PLEASED THAT WE CAN ATTEND KEITH THE CANDIDATE ROTHFUS’S FUNDRAISER TOMORROW! THANK YOU SPEAKER CANTOR FOR BUYING OUR TICKET! ESPECIALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM MIKE TURZAI ON THE VOTER SUPPRESSION PROGRAM! CAN ANYBODY TELL US WHAT IS THE DRESS CODE FOR CITIZEN JOURNALISTS AT THE ALLEGHENY COUNTRY CLUB?? WE ARE SO EXCITED WE MAY NEED AN EXTRA SHOT OF WILD TURKEY TONIGHT TO HELP US SLEEP!

FORMER SPEAKER BOEHNER AND KEITH THE CANDIDATE ROTHFUS-GOOD NEWS! SPEAKER CANTOR HAS ASKED US TO SURVEILLE YOUR FUND-RAISER THIS SATURDAY AT THE SEWICKLEY COUNTRY CLUB! FORMER SPEAKER BOEHNER AND MR. ROTHFUS-PLEASE HEAL OUR HANGOVERS, LIKE YOU DID AT THE AMBRIDGE GOLF CLUB, WITH A FEW STRONG BLOODY MARYS AND MR. BOEHNER WE’D LIKE TO SMOKE A PACK OF MALBOROS WITH YOU! WE ARE HAPPY TO BE A CONTRIBUTOR TO THE ROTHFUS CRUSADE!